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We can fix her.


Being a rather older, (but certainly not a wiser) member of the KIA community, I thought perhaps someone else who has the same problem, may be helped by my experience. I have recently had to give up with the right hip and told the consultant that he can finally get on with it and get rid of the manky joint.
It has been a very strange experience generally, but I was very determined to get on with it.
Admittedly… there are still a couple of dodgy joints still left, which may get in the way of recovery… but what the heck! You really gotta start somewhere!
I have really missed KIA, but now I am feeling a bit stronger, I finally have some strong enough intent to start trying out a bit more input.

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I kinda feel like I have been badly ignoring my own website. It has been a long time.
But … I guess my magikal stuff, these days have
been rather too few and far between, and the reasons, (if any at all,) might be personal and therefore…far too damn boring to share with others. It has been a very long and nasty interlude. Mostly… because of no other outside input but more my own negative processes.
…..I guess. I should be used to these black times by now, but I really don’t believe It’s beneficial for me to get ‘that’ accustomed.
I have inadvertently had these thoughts/brain stuff that I’m sure may be of (at least mild use/interest) to others of our ‘ilk’ … for the want of a better word….
But… I can’t help being convinced that actually….the most important information is almost always locked in the mind in any case.
I am never sure if it’s because the crux is always rather carefully hidden, or …that the crux is never the same from one soul to the next in any case. I will never know for sure, but I can’t kelp but believe that the magikal psyche is, was, and will ever be….far far more complicated than that.
What do you think?


A quick say on vaping vs smoking

Yes…. it’s true, however any of us feel about it, I spoze we have to accept that it’s  a given that we know comparatively little about the long-term effects of vaping, vs smoking… has been estimated that vaping is 95% safer than burning and inhaling tobacco to get nicotine, rather than inhaling vapour from e-cigs to get nicotine instead.

So, I have wanted to post this stuff here for so long, but have held back because this is essentially a magikal site.    This particular bit of KIA has been very kindly given to me,  so I think it’s ok to say some stuff, considering how important this could be to so many people, apart from me.

If vaping did have more backing from authorities etc, it’s far more likely that we may see a lot more of what we really need, e.g. Tailored flavourings that are solely developed for e-cigarettes, a far higher (and preferably enforced,) standard for hardware and accessories, (also and including all coil and wicking materials, pre-built or sold separately.)

The thought of the big tobacco companies having the monopoly on e-cigarettes, (vaping in general,) quite frankly makes my blood run totally cold.

part of the reason being, I t seems to me that whatever we do, whatever choice we make, we are inevitably going to give our money to either the government in ridiculously high taxes, (which are, as far as I am aware, threatening to refuse to treat tobacco-related diseases anyway,) or to the really big tobacco companies, (who want to cut their losses in tobacco products in any case.)

I don’t expect a reaction from this post, it’s not necessarily anything that you folks would have an opinion on in any case, but I guess it’s just nice to be able to tell it as I feel it. 😋

yes….. I know what I did….. I always do, that is what makes life so cringeworthy.

The Janglies.

I spoze I have been somewhat prone to these ….um janglies through most of my life. (All credit for the title of this post, together with the simple but spot-on description and rather brilliant expression, goes to @ophis7.)

I guess I wasn’t this way when I was younger, but now, I have somehow got to become one of those really totally annoying people who never really do anything much at all….and that is very bad….
Admittedly,  not only have I had a rather unstable childhood, and also a parent who (I have only more recently realised,) has apparently to me, managed to make me feel guilty for everything that I wanted to do for myself, and everything that it seems to me that they thought I should do for them, but …that could very easily be just an excuse on my part, and Morgan likely is as well!
Anywaze… I realised a few years ago that it was probably actually down to me in any case,  for being so trusting of my parent, and for too many years,  never questioning why I deep down, actually felt the way I did.

I seem to have, what has a few times been described as an extremely addictive personality.
I spoze …If I am totally honest, which I can’t really help being to myself, (and really…. not much different to non-judgmental people, such as yourselves,) I am pretty much an alcoholic, a nicotine addict… and for some very strange reason, aside from the nicotine, I always panic if I don’t have anything else that will make me feel different to normal. (the nicotine doesn’t really count, because it’s THAT addictive as of itself, it’s as if you have to have it to ‘feel’ ok.
(i.e. I don’t really feel any different whenever I have tried to give it up, apart from the damn strong and really bloody annoying craving.)
Well…..the addiction thang, It’s probably due to cowardice, and/or sheer laziness.
Perhaps I is too lazy (or afraid) to just get on with it.
Over the years, I have been prescribed lots of different “happy pills,”
which have mostly helped… and also ‘therapy’, which didn’t.
It has been repeatedly suggested to me that I need to go to therapy this episode too. Yeah…. ok……
It has seemed to me all the times before, that it was very like the totally blind attempting to lead the utterly dazed and confused….hmmmm.
Anywaze….. moving on…..
Perhaps I have come to trust ’Ron’ too much…. or maybe he is the only one that I really ’can’ trust with my apparently rather too fragile psyche. I have no clue, however… it appears to me that not knowing anything at all for sure is in fact, the correct way for me to be.

For many, many years now, I can’t watch tv at all, I don’t ever read newspapers, (all that media stuff makes me cringe!) and I also try really really hard to avoid being told all about the horrendous stuff that other people watch/read etc, because… they tell me they feel that everyone must take an interest in.  I get the strong impression that it’s only ”What the media want them to think” on what’s happening in the world, and what they appear to enjoy fretting over. What amazes me, is that they just about always feel the irresistible compulsion to tell every damn person they see, who is not wallowing in the same rather despairing, tut tutting, ineffectual (and totally contrived,) state of mind.
I am totally NOT  a conspiracy theorist…. don’t panic! We have already had a few probs with that on KIA.
All it is…. I don’t like the media, I don’t like politics, I don’t like the antiquated and totally outdated education system and I really don’t like the idea that that generally…. it appears to me, (Imho) that pretty subtly, just about with our own free will. (’most’ humans will behave exactly as predicted,) we are all being fucking ’herded’. (For the want of a better word.)
Guess it really gets to me.

The following, is this time, the phrase that has made me think (yet again,) beyond that damn ‘monkey mind.’
“I have given myself the janglies.” (Expression also credited to @ophis7.)

I guess it was always kinda obvious in the back of my mind, (the same ol’ story…. I kinda knew it, but didn’t wanna face knowing it.)

thankfully, on this occasion, it actually made me really think about the concept.
Let’s face it folks, its down to each one of us, how anything or anyone at all is gonna affect us.
Some will go through life (more or less) like a hot knife through butter. Others however, will find it very painful, guilt-ridden, so very difficult to decide what to do for the best… etc etc (ad bloody nauseam!)
What is the difference here? Heh! I suspect, so very much, it can’t be listed. After all, what makes us all individual? What actually makes each damn one of us different from everyone else?
Influence I could well suspect. All of our individual upbringings, peers, parents, schools, friends, jobs….. everything!
So…. why is it that so many of us will willingly, even happily follow how the rest do/think/behave n stuff?
It has been a theory …..that the reason “social misfits, aspies, eccentrics,” n anyone with any trait that stands out from the (so called) norm, show no apparent signs at all of being naturally genetically phased out, is simply because , if the balance were tipped the way that most people insist on thinking, evolution/progress/mental abilities, stuff like that…. would simply grind to a very boring halt.
Very interesting stuff to me,  do you think so?

what do you think?

Hi folks, all blessings and crap,  A small update, I am just now in the throes of my second attempt to get myself off the damn smokes and onto the vape again.  Yeah!  There is possibly a pattern emerging here, it was when I was in a bit of a bad way about a year ago that I tried it before.  I am wondering if it may be my rather futile way of trying to gain control of myself, as it were. It has been suggested on more than this occasion alone by @sinis, (I have known him since I was about…. what? seventeen/eighteen?) ….that I probably need to work on a shield, (or at least a filter,) to protect myself from er….. general flak I think….. if you are about @sinis, would you mind explaining it as you did to me please?   I totally picked up the importance you placed on me doing it,  but er……not necessarily anything else. :-b  I do find it really difficult to close people, energies, entities off from me, even if it is …..entirely for my own good.   I never have been able to do it,  it’s just like you folks trying to use your left hand for everything, (unless you happens to be left-handed like I am.)

so, I’ll finish with a very heart felt thank you to all of KIA for being my mental and magikal support for er….. exactly long enough, and as long as I need it.  Also,  the very same to @sinis for so naturally, wonderfully and masterfully introducing me to real magik, at a very impressionable age, without me even consciously noticing it at the time. ☺️

My most powerful items I ever owned, was a knife given to me, and more than anything else, a staff of whithy, cut by myself, all those years ago in Wiltshire by the light of a full moon.  The strange thing was, I never questioned why,  it just seemed right at the time.








Why am I here at all?

O hell! 😈 ( If unreadable, Please change to something really annoyed with Horns kiabot)
Am I asking for trouble? ,or fecking wot?  I actually hope so, because I am pretty certain that the answer varies as many times as there are individuals on this poor planet.
However…. these simple questions n stuff, they come up so very damn often with folks of all ages.
Some people turn to er…’religion’, others simply don’t really think about it much at all, (or if they do, they don’t wanna share their feelings with live and get as much as they can from life…and still more will do whatever it takes to obtain as much cash as they can to make as bearable as possible for them.
Personally, I have never really cared about money too much, I have never had much of it myself.

anyways, in my er (rather too many)  years that I have been actually aware of what is going on in this whole world, and some of us are (bloody hopefully!) rather more aware than all the rest of creation with what’s actually going on, (including my mother in law, and a lot of everyone else who is watching/reading/listening to the news every day. These people will compellingly chase after me and insist on imparting all the really terrible news that they have electively watched/ listened to on general media.  I’m really very sick of it!

why should I be made to feel so damn guilty for not ‘taking an interest in world affairs’.  Fer crying out loud people!

I am NOT a conspiracy theorist, (just in case you don’t know me at all?)  And nor will I ever be, so… honest thoughts on all that?

Yeh, so unless you wanna be a bit different, and instead of purposely failing to kill yourself, you could try another method of getting attention, it’s all trying to get acknowledgement after all,

Um…..there are far better ways to get noticed people, all that shit is really asking for a totally unnecessary major mental overload. (and if that is your bag, be vigilant and be a sweetie, please don’t lay any of  that conspiracy crap on my friends or me.)  thank you, I really do appreciate your care.

Ok, so here is something slightly contradictory,  I have always picked up that there may just be a seed of truth in all that total paranoia crap.

i mean, think about it, if anyone was to suss out the  er …’real deal’, without being erm… paranoid that nobody  takes any damn notice of them in the first place…… that’s really interesting, folks are masking what they are ‘really’ up to by condoning the conspiracy theory.

oh pllllleeeeaaaassse!   Not brain surgery, (or is it?)  

do not be an arse, just think before you willingly accept everything you choose to watch/read/listen to.

Do you actually believe what you are fed by the media?   Is all this terrible news true?  Don’t ever f I doubt it, and even ‘ if ‘ it actually is, do you think that there is ever any really good news to report?

oh… please …..tell me if I’m getting on the conspiracy road people, but it really seems that everything we are er….. fed has been ‘geared’.

where is all the good news on tv/newspapers/radio etc?

was there never anything totally brill happening?

I am very suspicious of power and money, oh hell yeh! …… but I’m still essentially optimistic.  Is that even workable anymore?

probably not.

Anyroadtonowhere…..herrrrrree we go again peoples… so? wot do you very refreshing folks think about all that total shit?

And while I’m at it,  are any folks at all that feel at the very least bit uncomfortable about the feel of all the crap they are being fed  right now?…… yeh, it makes everything sooooo very easy for me,, but even as I am rite now, I guess it could easily happen, 😜, but  because I am sooooo being directed at the moment, coz  I am in a really terrible state right now.

——— below entry added about three months or more later…………

so, there you are. This draft was written in between my stints of caring for my mum for 3 months, (COPD with chest infection,)  and then caring for my mother in law for 3 months, (who was booked in to have right hip replacement, then three days before appointment she fell and broke her left hip.)

Yeah, I admit, I’m still somewhat miffed, but i think I need to mention that not long before all this, I was thinking to myself that I could never be a carer.  Oh crap!

(thanks a bundle Ron!)

I don’t feel as bad now as I did then,  maybe (hopefully,) due to new meds, maybe due to new thinking….. who actually bloody nose?  

I really, really like this pic, at that couple of weeks or so, I was the happiest I had been for a very, very long time, and I  felt so very relaxed when I was with @anton, @dana and a couple of our mutual friends/relations. I will always appreciate your help/support/opinion etc. But mostly the really rather euphoric realisation that there really ‘are’ people that I can feel comfortable and happy with.

…is it the walk of shame?  For most of humanity, maybe, but I don’t actually soddin care.  (Confessions will be very fairly and magically dealt with, so no worries there folks. ).

Anywaze…..I reckon it’s the walk of er…. some people with me that made me feel totally comfortable, and that  I will always like.

ohhh yeh!  Y’know,  I would really love to expand on @dana ‘s totally brilliant photo, coz not only was she missing herself through taking the pic in the first place, but there should’ve been so many more wonderful people/mages with me in that image. xxx



 I’m back!  At last, it’s good to be home after a good 6 months of looking after people.   Finally had long enough here to get my hed meds changed too.  Fortunately…’s looking to be better.

A quck footnote, while I remember it, because apparently…. it’s very, very important.

I bow….(nay kneel) before all the permanent carers out there, I am totally weird/ humble/aspie/selfish/loveless etc before you.  I am thoroughly in awe of your patience, selflessness and love.

I can’t ever begin to aspire to you your amazing resolve.

but hey, that’s me at the moment, you probably know what I always reply to any direct question, I have been slated all my life for being too vague, but that is purely because I can’t just give my own opinion on anything at all, every single entity is individual, everyones situation, thinking and path n stuff.  So…it bloody does always depend on any circumstances at the time.

therefore, even though to myself, naturally,  it doesn’t seem the case, when you look at it all from a totally er… universal perspective,  it then looks like everything really is true, and …..(given the diversity of humans in general, and then adding (mages/magic users/wizards/witches….. whatever you prefer to be,)  everything becomes permissible also.

Ah….now  ….I have probably opened a totally other can of worms/tuna/beans/fig leaves wrapped around something really tasty.



So long…. and thanks for all the fish.

I have been extremely unwillingly subjected, (amongst many other toxic experiences lately,) to this alien stuff called politics, while I have been stuck in the vicinity of those who don’t even have a clue what the TV does to me in any case. So…how much longer will it feckin’ well take before people actually realise that no matter who they vote for, it won’t even make a scrap of bloody difference!?
The whole damn thang is more fixed than a bleedin’ wrestling match!
I don’t care what the people around me choose to believe, we don’t actually have any say whatsoever as to exactly where we want our taxes spent, precisely how we think it best to run the country, etc etc. Let’s be honest….as the previously much celebrated Max Headroom once said, “you can always tell when a politician is lying, their mouth is moving!”
I honestly don’t know for sure, but I would even hazard a guess that ‘I’ could do a much better and fairer job than any of those scrotes, and I don’t even know a damn thing about politics, (apart from the fact that I always have, and I’m pretty sure I really always will …. not be able to stand it.)

Is it me?  Am I just too damn stupid for this kinda thang?  Have I got all this politics crap all wrong? ……or wot!?    Probably……

The page below is Douglas Adams. (In case you didn’t already know.)



KIA Cyber doll

This is a KIA doll that has been with me for some considerable time now.

I believe that probably it’s about time for the KIA cyber-doll to be passed on from me now. I admit I have been very reticent, I’ve been very apathetic physically, mentally and magikally for quite a while now. But I guess I’ve just now realised that I may have been saving it up for something generally far more important than myself, my family or my spirit doll.
So… Even though she has pretty much soaked up all of my hopes and dreams for the majority of the cyber space that I will probably never get to understand anyway in the rest of my lifetime, I can only feel the hostility, cries for help, false personas, etc, so many strange, sad, wonderful, scary, peaceful, etc things, that it appears would never be said in the real world at all.
The Internet to me, seems to be a kinda ‘safe zone’ for a lot of folks… in a particular way at least… perhaps tell people things that nobody would dare to say to anyone’s face, to perhaps be what you really are, or maybe be what you really want to be, but can’t for some reason. There are always many stigmas, prejudges, implanted stuff an ting, from the way society has evolved/devolved, which would more than likely never be said or expressed any other way…, I suggest she is there for all the people that cannot express themselves face to face, for all the people that need to use the Internet to even keep going, and of course, for all of the folks in between.
What you you think @anton?
Anyways…. when/if you get the time, please could you post some info on for instance, perhaps… when you made her, what you made her for, what you would prefer to call her, what her function was meant to be and where you think she would need to be going next, (I seem to recall that you felt the USA was the next home…. and whatever other info you feel she will need. (and perhaps an early photo if you have one.)
I don’t really know, but considering how she feels to me, she’s done pretty well so far, but like with kaytee, I am only a catalyst, I can only send things, thoughts, ideas on their way, I don’t presume to have the will or intent to take these seeds any further. I feel that I don’t ever know enough, or have the inkling of the big picture to pass on something myself for someone else.
That always needs to be up to you/and/ or the rest of the agents.
I am totally up for re-homing of cyber doll, I really think her potential is rather wasted here with me.