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I kinda feel like I have been badly ignoring my own website. It has been a long time.
But … I guess my magikal stuff, these days have
been rather too few and far between, and the reasons, (if any at all,) might be personal and therefore…far too damn boring to share with others. It has been a very long and nasty interlude. Mostly… because of no other outside input but more my own negative processes.
…..I guess. I should be used to these black times by now, but I really don’t believe It’s beneficial for me to get ‘that’ accustomed.
I have inadvertently had these thoughts/brain stuff that I’m sure may be of (at least mild use/interest) to others of our ‘ilk’ … for the want of a better word….
But… I can’t help being convinced that actually….the most important information is almost always locked in the mind in any case.
I am never sure if it’s because the crux is always rather carefully hidden, or …that the crux is never the same from one soul to the next in any case. I will never know for sure, but I can’t kelp but believe that the magikal psyche is, was, and will ever be….far far more complicated than that.
What do you think?


Why am I here at all?

O hell! 😈 ( If unreadable, Please change to something really annoyed with Horns kiabot)
Am I asking for trouble? ,or fecking wot?  I actually hope so, because I am pretty certain that the answer varies as many times as there are individuals on this poor planet.
However…. these simple questions n stuff, they come up so very damn often with folks of all ages.
Some people turn to er…’religion’, others simply don’t really think about it much at all, (or if they do, they don’t wanna share their feelings with live and get as much as they can from life…and still more will do whatever it takes to obtain as much cash as they can to make as bearable as possible for them.
Personally, I have never really cared about money too much, I have never had much of it myself.

anyways, in my er (rather too many)  years that I have been actually aware of what is going on in this whole world, and some of us are (bloody hopefully!) rather more aware than all the rest of creation with what’s actually going on, (including my mother in law, and a lot of everyone else who is watching/reading/listening to the news every day. These people will compellingly chase after me and insist on imparting all the really terrible news that they have electively watched/ listened to on general media.  I’m really very sick of it!

why should I be made to feel so damn guilty for not ‘taking an interest in world affairs’.  Fer crying out loud people!

I am NOT a conspiracy theorist, (just in case you don’t know me at all?)  And nor will I ever be, so… honest thoughts on all that?

Yeh, so unless you wanna be a bit different, and instead of purposely failing to kill yourself, you could try another method of getting attention, it’s all trying to get acknowledgement after all,

Um…..there are far better ways to get noticed people, all that shit is really asking for a totally unnecessary major mental overload. (and if that is your bag, be vigilant and be a sweetie, please don’t lay any of  that conspiracy crap on my friends or me.)  thank you, I really do appreciate your care.

Ok, so here is something slightly contradictory,  I have always picked up that there may just be a seed of truth in all that total paranoia crap.

i mean, think about it, if anyone was to suss out the  er …’real deal’, without being erm… paranoid that nobody  takes any damn notice of them in the first place…… that’s really interesting, folks are masking what they are ‘really’ up to by condoning the conspiracy theory.

oh pllllleeeeaaaassse!   Not brain surgery, (or is it?)  

do not be an arse, just think before you willingly accept everything you choose to watch/read/listen to.

Do you actually believe what you are fed by the media?   Is all this terrible news true?  Don’t ever f I doubt it, and even ‘ if ‘ it actually is, do you think that there is ever any really good news to report?

oh… please …..tell me if I’m getting on the conspiracy road people, but it really seems that everything we are er….. fed has been ‘geared’.

where is all the good news on tv/newspapers/radio etc?

was there never anything totally brill happening?

I am very suspicious of power and money, oh hell yeh! …… but I’m still essentially optimistic.  Is that even workable anymore?

probably not.

Anyroadtonowhere…..herrrrrree we go again peoples… so? wot do you very refreshing folks think about all that total shit?

And while I’m at it,  are any folks at all that feel at the very least bit uncomfortable about the feel of all the crap they are being fed  right now?…… yeh, it makes everything sooooo very easy for me,, but even as I am rite now, I guess it could easily happen, 😜, but  because I am sooooo being directed at the moment, coz  I am in a really terrible state right now.

——— below entry added about three months or more later…………

so, there you are. This draft was written in between my stints of caring for my mum for 3 months, (COPD with chest infection,)  and then caring for my mother in law for 3 months, (who was booked in to have right hip replacement, then three days before appointment she fell and broke her left hip.)

Yeah, I admit, I’m still somewhat miffed, but i think I need to mention that not long before all this, I was thinking to myself that I could never be a carer.  Oh crap!

(thanks a bundle Ron!)

I don’t feel as bad now as I did then,  maybe (hopefully,) due to new meds, maybe due to new thinking….. who actually bloody nose?  

I really, really like this pic, at that couple of weeks or so, I was the happiest I had been for a very, very long time, and I  felt so very relaxed when I was with @anton, @dana and a couple of our mutual friends/relations. I will always appreciate your help/support/opinion etc. But mostly the really rather euphoric realisation that there really ‘are’ people that I can feel comfortable and happy with.

…is it the walk of shame?  For most of humanity, maybe, but I don’t actually soddin care.  (Confessions will be very fairly and magically dealt with, so no worries there folks. ).

Anywaze…..I reckon it’s the walk of er…. some people with me that made me feel totally comfortable, and that  I will always like.

ohhh yeh!  Y’know,  I would really love to expand on @dana ‘s totally brilliant photo, coz not only was she missing herself through taking the pic in the first place, but there should’ve been so many more wonderful people/mages with me in that image. xxx



 I’m back!  At last, it’s good to be home after a good 6 months of looking after people.   Finally had long enough here to get my hed meds changed too.  Fortunately…’s looking to be better.

A quck footnote, while I remember it, because apparently…. it’s very, very important.

I bow….(nay kneel) before all the permanent carers out there, I am totally weird/ humble/aspie/selfish/loveless etc before you.  I am thoroughly in awe of your patience, selflessness and love.

I can’t ever begin to aspire to you your amazing resolve.

but hey, that’s me at the moment, you probably know what I always reply to any direct question, I have been slated all my life for being too vague, but that is purely because I can’t just give my own opinion on anything at all, every single entity is individual, everyones situation, thinking and path n stuff.  So…it bloody does always depend on any circumstances at the time.

therefore, even though to myself, naturally,  it doesn’t seem the case, when you look at it all from a totally er… universal perspective,  it then looks like everything really is true, and …..(given the diversity of humans in general, and then adding (mages/magic users/wizards/witches….. whatever you prefer to be,)  everything becomes permissible also.

Ah….now  ….I have probably opened a totally other can of worms/tuna/beans/fig leaves wrapped around something really tasty.



A step in the rite direction?

So…. this is what’s happening to me recently? It will almost certainly be a total bore to most, (sorry about that folks ) because as far as I can tell as I am at this present ‘me’… I have done nothing whatsoever recently that I would even loosely class as magikal. However, as always….there have been what I can only describe as ‘ripples in my consciousness’ that insist on giving me the feeling that the magik is still here with me, and really never goes away, even if, (like now,) I don’t have the strength of mind to direct it/put it in place/have the want/need/intention etc, of anything that I will feel the will to make happen, …..and stuff like that.
Anyways, as far back as I can recall, even if my (apparent to me at least,) resident entity has always been there, (and I realise now that he always has, for as far back as I can actually recall.  (I guess I just didn’t have the imput to understand at that young age ) it was much, much later that I got my mind into contemplating what was always going on with me.

Thank you so much, @anton and @dana, for being there for me to find at the time when I needed you folks most, for some general reassurance/ feedback on whether I was going loopy etc.  😈

And also ….a thank you to our Phil Hines, who was also so very helpful to me with the very strange and unfamiliar feeling of possession.  Ron has never, ever pushed me into anything, but I gotta admit, (and yeah,  this is perhaps kinda weird, but I always did trust him totally.) and not with me ever being aware of being told/guided pushed at all.

That’s the thing about Ron, he is so very patient. When I am in a really receptive mood, I have been thrown about mentally, until I am totally battered, but it’s brill!  I love it, I learn so very much in that short receptive ‘window’….that when I have been weak and worried about stuff I need to do, maybe change, stop etc….(like I feel now,) it appears that I inadvertently put myself beyond his reach with his totally wonderful, (and mostly,) rather difficult lessons. So…. this is my dilemma it appears. The more I need his protection and guidance, the less he appears to be able to help me. Or….. maybe he really is, and is being very uncharacteristically subtle? I dunno, all I know is that my entity is here to protect me, teach me…. and somehow be part of who I am.

To be aware….. is all we need?

I have been having a few conversations with various folks about this kinda stuff and related things that will inevitably crop up with these kinds of opinions/speculations.

I have a history myself (and it’s a bloody long one!) of being a person to not follow the pack. I am someone who thinks and does what ‘I’ feel, and I really don’t care what others think.

So, bearing all that in mind, and cutting to the chase as it were, there is this thang that seems to follow me about wherever my mind will wander. intention is a very powerful thing, most/all of the folks that are aware of magik have to believe it.
It feels right, following the rites/rituals of others etc.  I’m sure it must be, but what if we turn the whole thing around?
As far as I’m aware, mages/witches/magik users etc will apply their intention, (whatever it may be,) to the magik.
Ok, that’s logical, it gets the job done, but what if we do it a different way?
What if we cast the magik to leave it without personal intention at all?
There have been odd occasions when I have needed to intend to a greater or lesser degree, either because I want to help someone, or if I have been asked to do so, (I just try to direct the magik in the direction it wants to go.) however…..I have found repeatedly that this other, much less logical way actually works a hellova lot better, (for me anyway.)
All I can surmise from my findings is that magik itself must have a far better idea of where one needs to direct the magik than us magic users/mages/witches/wizards (insert whatever,) we do ourselves. (and here we could easily open up the usual can of worms by asking, what is magik?….. again….. sorry.)

However… It rather neatly brings me to the possible reasons for my findings.

I have a little book that @argonheart gave me a while ago, it’s kinda like my quantum equivalent of what windows for dummies would be. (Yeah, I have that as well.)
I’m not clever, I am not even close to being educated to the standards that would be expected in this age. I don’t have the ability or the vocabulary to sort and correlate information to reach an innovative or even thought provoking conclusion. At least I am not aware of the ability.  All I can do when attempting to take in things that are beyond my intelligence to comprehend, is to try and sorta ‘feel’ at least some of the essence of that which is being imparted, and as a result, merely speculate as to what is useful for me. (more or less in chaos stylee here I guess.)
It’s a pleasant as well as necessary method, uncluttered with preliminaries (probably quite a majority would totally disagree with me,) unnecessary bells and whistles, which to me, strips useful stuff down for me and keeps it pretty simple. (Like I have already said before, I am really damn lazy and as light does, I tend to go for the easiest and quickest route.)
I don’t really understand most of the science, but I can’t help but feel that there is much there at the basis of everything that could be the most necessary things we could ever learn.

It’s only a thought, but perhaps we each have an inbuilt ability to give ourselves strength, if we are able to divine what it is, without the intervention of others, who much more often than not; don’t have the faintest idea what is in our own minds.
If so, It seems to me that there are many ways to implement it. What @dana and @satura are doing rite now, (as I was working most of this post,) could well be one of them.
To me, it’s seems like one of the more difficult ways, but having said that… I also had a time myself, which must’ve lasted quite a while, when I really didn’t know what was going on with my head at all.
There was no intention for Abralim, (sorry, I can’t even spell it,) because although I had heard it before on KIA, I actually didn’t know what it was,
all I can recall asking at the very start of all this was asking my entity, ‘why have you always been here with me and why me?’
That seemed to be all I needed to ask to be confined to my my bed for days at a time, to experience a total mental, physical and emotional roller coaster.
It really did confuse me, I wasn’t actually afraid, (I am a great fan of LSD, mushies, mda n other stuff, even though I am not young by any stretch of the imagination,) but … because at the time there was no chemical reason at all for these experiences, I did kinda wonder about my sanity at first. I didn’t quite know what to do, because at the time (as old as I was,) I only really had the most sketchiest idea of magik itself.
So, I did the only thing I could think of under these circumstances, I emailed three or so people that I found on the Internet, but one or two appeared somewhat aloof, and didn’t seem to have a clue what I was talking about, (Phil Hine was great, but although nothing followed at the time, his stuff has subsequently been the greatest of help to me.) then… as I had failed to find a place to ask questions and (I guess in retrospect,) be reassured that I wasn’t destined for the nearest ‘certain specialist establishment’. So…. as I was about to give up, I suddenly found KIA.
I emailed, I got a reply, (guess who!)

This time, I wasn’t treated as if I was a total idiot, or a mental case, I wasn’t passed off to someone else who wasn’t prepared to help and my er…..whinings were actually listened to, and even though the initial person from KIA I spoke to couldn’t really explain what was happening to me, they told me not to worry. and if I wanted to say anything, whether anyone understood it or not, KIA will listen.

However, I can’t say if  anyone would’ve been able to actively help in any case, I haven’t a clue, but simply to be treated as someone who wasn’t totally ‘loony’ was a great strength for me at the time.                        It still is.
And…… I am eternally grateful to know all you folks.
I have needed to write this for sooooo very long.
Thank you so very much to all my friends on KIA, you caught me about halfway down when I was about to fall. Perfect!! 😈


there is/are something/things that are kinda bothering me about this cup.   I like it, but there is something/s that doesn’t  feel kwite rite.

I can’t manage to see it, its not quite doing it’s job.

wot you reckon?  I’m not sure if it’s just, or even the gold, or something else (that can’t even be changed.)