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Published: 10 articles

The Janglies.

I spoze I have been somewhat prone to these ….um janglies through most of my life. (All credit for the title of this post, together with the simple but spot-on description and rather brilliant expression, goes to @ophis7.)

I guess I wasn’t this way when I was younger, but now, I have somehow got to become one of those really totally annoying people who never really do anything much at all….and that is very bad….
Admittedly,  not only have I had a rather unstable childhood, and also a parent who (I have only more recently realised,) has apparently to me, managed to make me feel guilty for everything that I wanted to do for myself, and everything that it seems to me that they thought I should do for them, but …that could very easily be just an excuse on my part, and Morgan likely is as well!
Anywaze… I realised a few years ago that it was probably actually down to me in any case,  for being so trusting of my parent, and for too many years,  never questioning why I deep down, actually felt the way I did.

I seem to have, what has a few times been described as an extremely addictive personality.
I spoze …If I am totally honest, which I can’t really help being to myself, (and really…. not much different to non-judgmental people, such as yourselves,) I am pretty much an alcoholic, a nicotine addict… and for some very strange reason, aside from the nicotine, I always panic if I don’t have anything else that will make me feel different to normal. (the nicotine doesn’t really count, because it’s THAT addictive as of itself, it’s as if you have to have it to ‘feel’ ok.
(i.e. I don’t really feel any different whenever I have tried to give it up, apart from the damn strong and really bloody annoying craving.)
Well…..the addiction thang, It’s probably due to cowardice, and/or sheer laziness.
Perhaps I is too lazy (or afraid) to just get on with it.
Over the years, I have been prescribed lots of different “happy pills,”
which have mostly helped… and also ‘therapy’, which didn’t.
It has been repeatedly suggested to me that I need to go to therapy this episode too. Yeah…. ok……
It has seemed to me all the times before, that it was very like the totally blind attempting to lead the utterly dazed and confused….hmmmm.
Anywaze….. moving on…..
Perhaps I have come to trust ’Ron’ too much…. or maybe he is the only one that I really ’can’ trust with my apparently rather too fragile psyche. I have no clue, however… it appears to me that not knowing anything at all for sure is in fact, the correct way for me to be.

For many, many years now, I can’t watch tv at all, I don’t ever read newspapers, (all that media stuff makes me cringe!) and I also try really really hard to avoid being told all about the horrendous stuff that other people watch/read etc, because… they tell me they feel that everyone must take an interest in.  I get the strong impression that it’s only ”What the media want them to think” on what’s happening in the world, and what they appear to enjoy fretting over. What amazes me, is that they just about always feel the irresistible compulsion to tell every damn person they see, who is not wallowing in the same rather despairing, tut tutting, ineffectual (and totally contrived,) state of mind.
I am totally NOT  a conspiracy theorist…. don’t panic! We have already had a few probs with that on KIA.
All it is…. I don’t like the media, I don’t like politics, I don’t like the antiquated and totally outdated education system and I really don’t like the idea that that generally…. it appears to me, (Imho) that pretty subtly, just about with our own free will. (’most’ humans will behave exactly as predicted,) we are all being fucking ’herded’. (For the want of a better word.)
Guess it really gets to me.

The following, is this time, the phrase that has made me think (yet again,) beyond that damn ‘monkey mind.’
“I have given myself the janglies.” (Expression also credited to @ophis7.)

I guess it was always kinda obvious in the back of my mind, (the same ol’ story…. I kinda knew it, but didn’t wanna face knowing it.)

thankfully, on this occasion, it actually made me really think about the concept.
Let’s face it folks, its down to each one of us, how anything or anyone at all is gonna affect us.
Some will go through life (more or less) like a hot knife through butter. Others however, will find it very painful, guilt-ridden, so very difficult to decide what to do for the best… etc etc (ad bloody nauseam!)
What is the difference here? Heh! I suspect, so very much, it can’t be listed. After all, what makes us all individual? What actually makes each damn one of us different from everyone else?
Influence I could well suspect. All of our individual upbringings, peers, parents, schools, friends, jobs….. everything!
So…. why is it that so many of us will willingly, even happily follow how the rest do/think/behave n stuff?
It has been a theory …..that the reason “social misfits, aspies, eccentrics,” n anyone with any trait that stands out from the (so called) norm, show no apparent signs at all of being naturally genetically phased out, is simply because , if the balance were tipped the way that most people insist on thinking, evolution/progress/mental abilities, stuff like that…. would simply grind to a very boring halt.
Very interesting stuff to me,  do you think so?

what do you think?

Hi folks, all blessings and crap,  A small update, I am just now in the throes of my second attempt to get myself off the damn smokes and onto the vape again.  Yeah!  There is possibly a pattern emerging here, it was when I was in a bit of a bad way about a year ago that I tried it before.  I am wondering if it may be my rather futile way of trying to gain control of myself, as it were. It has been suggested on more than this occasion alone by @sinis, (I have known him since I was about…. what? seventeen/eighteen?) ….that I probably need to work on a shield, (or at least a filter,) to protect myself from er….. general flak I think….. if you are about @sinis, would you mind explaining it as you did to me please?   I totally picked up the importance you placed on me doing it,  but er……not necessarily anything else. :-b  I do find it really difficult to close people, energies, entities off from me, even if it is …..entirely for my own good.   I never have been able to do it,  it’s just like you folks trying to use your left hand for everything, (unless you happens to be left-handed like I am.)

so, I’ll finish with a very heart felt thank you to all of KIA for being my mental and magikal support for er….. exactly long enough, and as long as I need it.  Also,  the very same to @sinis for so naturally, wonderfully and masterfully introducing me to real magik, at a very impressionable age, without me even consciously noticing it at the time. ☺️

My most powerful items I ever owned, was a knife given to me, and more than anything else, a staff of whithy, cut by myself, all those years ago in Wiltshire by the light of a full moon.  The strange thing was, I never questioned why,  it just seemed right at the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why am I here at all?

O hell! 😈 ( If unreadable, Please change to something really annoyed with Horns kiabot)
Am I asking for trouble? ,or fecking wot?  I actually hope so, because I am pretty certain that the answer varies as many times as there are individuals on this poor planet.
However…. these simple questions n stuff, they come up so very damn often with folks of all ages.
Some people turn to er…’religion’, others simply don’t really think about it much at all, (or if they do, they don’t wanna share their feelings with live and get as much as they can from life…and still more will do whatever it takes to obtain as much cash as they can to make as bearable as possible for them.
Personally, I have never really cared about money too much, I have never had much of it myself.

anyways, in my er (rather too many)  years that I have been actually aware of what is going on in this whole world, and some of us are (bloody hopefully!) rather more aware than all the rest of creation with what’s actually going on, (including my mother in law, and a lot of everyone else who is watching/reading/listening to the news every day. These people will compellingly chase after me and insist on imparting all the really terrible news that they have electively watched/ listened to on general media.  I’m really very sick of it!

why should I be made to feel so damn guilty for not ‘taking an interest in world affairs’.  Fer crying out loud people!

I am NOT a conspiracy theorist, (just in case you don’t know me at all?)  And nor will I ever be, so…..my honest thoughts on all that?

Yeh, so unless you wanna be a bit different, and instead of purposely failing to kill yourself, you could try another method of getting attention, it’s all trying to get acknowledgement after all,

Um…..there are far better ways to get noticed people, all that shit is really asking for a totally unnecessary major mental overload. (and if that is your bag, be vigilant and be a sweetie, please don’t lay any of  that conspiracy crap on my friends or me.)  thank you, I really do appreciate your care.

Ok, so here is something slightly contradictory,  I have always picked up that there may just be a seed of truth in all that total paranoia crap.

i mean, think about it, if anyone was to suss out the  er …’real deal’, without being erm…..so paranoid that nobody  takes any damn notice of them in the first place…… that’s really interesting, folks are masking what they are ‘really’ up to by condoning the conspiracy theory.

oh pllllleeeeaaaassse!   Not brain surgery, (or is it?)  

do not be an arse, just think before you willingly accept everything you choose to watch/read/listen to.

Do you actually believe what you are fed by the media?   Is all this terrible news true?  Don’t ever f I doubt it, and even ‘ if ‘ it actually is, do you think that there is ever any really good news to report?

oh… please …..tell me if I’m getting on the conspiracy road people, but it really seems that everything we are er….. fed has been ‘geared’.

where is all the good news on tv/newspapers/radio etc?

was there never anything totally brill happening?

I am very suspicious of power and money, oh hell yeh! …… but I’m still essentially optimistic.  Is that even workable anymore?

probably not.

Anyroadtonowhere…..herrrrrree we go again peoples… so? wot do you very refreshing folks think about all that total shit?

And while I’m at it,  are any folks at all that feel at the very least bit uncomfortable about the feel of all the crap they are being fed  right now?…… yeh, it makes everything sooooo very easy for me,, but even as I am rite now, I guess it could easily happen, 😜, but  because I am sooooo being directed at the moment, coz  I am in a really terrible state right now.

——— below entry added about three months or more later…………

so, there you are. This draft was written in between my stints of caring for my mum for 3 months, (COPD with chest infection,)  and then caring for my mother in law for 3 months, (who was booked in to have right hip replacement, then three days before appointment she fell and broke her left hip.)

Yeah, I admit, I’m still somewhat miffed, but i think I need to mention that not long before all this, I was thinking to myself that I could never be a carer.  Oh crap!

(thanks a bundle Ron!)

I don’t feel as bad now as I did then,  maybe (hopefully,) due to new meds, maybe due to new thinking….. who actually bloody nose?  

I really, really like this pic, at that couple of weeks or so, I was the happiest I had been for a very, very long time, and I  felt so very relaxed when I was with @anton, @dana and a couple of our mutual friends/relations. I will always appreciate your help/support/opinion etc. But mostly the really rather euphoric realisation that there really ‘are’ people that I can feel comfortable and happy with.

…is it the walk of shame?  For most of humanity, maybe, but I don’t actually soddin care.  (Confessions will be very fairly and magically dealt with, so no worries there folks. ).

Anywaze…..I reckon it’s the walk of er…. some people with me that made me feel totally comfortable, and that  I will always like.

ohhh yeh!  Y’know,  I would really love to expand on @dana ‘s totally brilliant photo, coz not only was she missing herself through taking the pic in the first place, but there should’ve been so many more wonderful people/mages with me in that image. xxx

 

Wot?

 I’m back!  At last, it’s good to be home after a good 6 months of looking after people.   Finally had long enough here to get my hed meds changed too.  Fortunately…..it’s looking to be better.

A quck footnote, while I remember it, because apparently…. it’s very, very important.

I bow….(nay kneel) before all the permanent carers out there, I am totally weird/ humble/aspie/selfish/loveless etc before you.  I am thoroughly in awe of your patience, selflessness and love.

I can’t ever begin to aspire to you your amazing resolve.

but hey, that’s me at the moment, you probably know what I always reply to any direct question, I have been slated all my life for being too vague, but that is purely because I can’t just give my own opinion on anything at all, every single entity is individual, everyones situation, thinking and path n stuff.  So…it bloody does always depend on any circumstances at the time.

therefore, even though to myself, naturally,  it doesn’t seem the case, when you look at it all from a totally er… universal perspective,  it then looks like everything really is true, and …..(given the diversity of humans in general, and then adding (mages/magic users/wizards/witches….. whatever you prefer to be,)  everything becomes permissible also.

Ah….now  ….I have probably opened a totally other can of worms/tuna/beans/fig leaves wrapped around something really tasty.

 

 

So long…. and thanks for all the fish.

I have been extremely unwillingly subjected, (amongst many other toxic experiences lately,) to this alien stuff called politics, while I have been stuck in the vicinity of those who don’t even have a clue what the TV does to me in any case. So…how much longer will it feckin’ well take before people actually realise that no matter who they vote for, it won’t even make a scrap of bloody difference!?
The whole damn thang is more fixed than a bleedin’ wrestling match!
I don’t care what the people around me choose to believe, we don’t actually have any say whatsoever as to exactly where we want our taxes spent, precisely how we think it best to run the country, etc etc. Let’s be honest….as the previously much celebrated Max Headroom once said, “you can always tell when a politician is lying, their mouth is moving!”
I honestly don’t know for sure, but I would even hazard a guess that ‘I’ could do a much better and fairer job than any of those scrotes, and I don’t even know a damn thing about politics, (apart from the fact that I always have, and I’m pretty sure I really always will …. not be able to stand it.)

Is it me?  Am I just too damn stupid for this kinda thang?  Have I got all this politics crap all wrong? ……or wot!?    Probably……

The page below is Douglas Adams. (In case you didn’t already know.)

 


 

A step in the rite direction?

So…. this is what’s happening to me recently? It will almost certainly be a total bore to most, (sorry about that folks ) because as far as I can tell as I am at this present ‘me’… I have done nothing whatsoever recently that I would even loosely class as magikal. However, as always….there have been what I can only describe as ‘ripples in my consciousness’ that insist on giving me the feeling that the magik is still here with me, and really never goes away, even if, (like now,) I don’t have the strength of mind to direct it/put it in place/have the want/need/intention etc, of anything that I will feel the will to make happen, …..and stuff like that.
Anyways, as far back as I can recall, even if my (apparent to me at least,) resident entity has always been there, (and I realise now that he always has, for as far back as I can actually recall.  (I guess I just didn’t have the imput to understand at that young age ) it was much, much later that I got my mind into contemplating what was always going on with me.

Thank you so much, @anton and @dana, for being there for me to find at the time when I needed you folks most, for some general reassurance/ feedback on whether I was going loopy etc.  😈

And also ….a thank you to our Phil Hines, who was also so very helpful to me with the very strange and unfamiliar feeling of possession.  Ron has never, ever pushed me into anything, but I gotta admit, (and yeah,  this is perhaps kinda weird, but I always did trust him totally.) and not with me ever being aware of being told/guided pushed at all.

That’s the thing about Ron, he is so very patient. When I am in a really receptive mood, I have been thrown about mentally, until I am totally battered, but it’s brill!  I love it, I learn so very much in that short receptive ‘window’….that when I have been weak and worried about stuff I need to do, maybe change, stop etc….(like I feel now,) it appears that I inadvertently put myself beyond his reach with his totally wonderful, (and mostly,) rather difficult lessons. So…. this is my dilemma it appears. The more I need his protection and guidance, the less he appears to be able to help me. Or….. maybe he really is, and is being very uncharacteristically subtle? I dunno, all I know is that my entity is here to protect me, teach me…. and somehow be part of who I am.

To be aware….. is all we need?

I have been having a few conversations with various folks about this kinda stuff and related things that will inevitably crop up with these kinds of opinions/speculations.

I have a history myself (and it’s a bloody long one!) of being a person to not follow the pack. I am someone who thinks and does what ‘I’ feel, and I really don’t care what others think.

So, bearing all that in mind, and cutting to the chase as it were, there is this thang that seems to follow me about wherever my mind will wander. intention is a very powerful thing, most/all of the folks that are aware of magik have to believe it.
It feels right, following the rites/rituals of others etc.  I’m sure it must be, but what if we turn the whole thing around?
As far as I’m aware, mages/witches/magik users etc will apply their intention, (whatever it may be,) to the magik.
Ok, that’s logical, it gets the job done, but what if we do it a different way?
What if we cast the magik to leave it without personal intention at all?
There have been odd occasions when I have needed to intend to a greater or lesser degree, either because I want to help someone, or if I have been asked to do so, (I just try to direct the magik in the direction it wants to go.) however…..I have found repeatedly that this other, much less logical way actually works a hellova lot better, (for me anyway.)
All I can surmise from my findings is that magik itself must have a far better idea of where one needs to direct the magik than us magic users/mages/witches/wizards (insert whatever,) we do ourselves. (and here we could easily open up the usual can of worms by asking, what is magik?….. again….. sorry.)

However… It rather neatly brings me to the possible reasons for my findings.

I have a little book that @argonheart gave me a while ago, it’s kinda like my quantum equivalent of what windows for dummies would be. (Yeah, I have that as well.)
I’m not clever, I am not even close to being educated to the standards that would be expected in this age. I don’t have the ability or the vocabulary to sort and correlate information to reach an innovative or even thought provoking conclusion. At least I am not aware of the ability.  All I can do when attempting to take in things that are beyond my intelligence to comprehend, is to try and sorta ‘feel’ at least some of the essence of that which is being imparted, and as a result, merely speculate as to what is useful for me. (more or less in chaos stylee here I guess.)
It’s a pleasant as well as necessary method, uncluttered with preliminaries (probably quite a majority would totally disagree with me,) unnecessary bells and whistles, which to me, strips useful stuff down for me and keeps it pretty simple. (Like I have already said before, I am really damn lazy and as light does, I tend to go for the easiest and quickest route.)
I don’t really understand most of the science, but I can’t help but feel that there is much there at the basis of everything that could be the most necessary things we could ever learn.

It’s only a thought, but perhaps we each have an inbuilt ability to give ourselves strength, if we are able to divine what it is, without the intervention of others, who much more often than not; don’t have the faintest idea what is in our own minds.
If so, It seems to me that there are many ways to implement it. What @dana and @satura are doing rite now, (as I was working most of this post,) could well be one of them.
To me, it’s seems like one of the more difficult ways, but having said that… I also had a time myself, which must’ve lasted quite a while, when I really didn’t know what was going on with my head at all.
There was no intention for Abralim, (sorry, I can’t even spell it,) because although I had heard it before on KIA, I actually didn’t know what it was,
all I can recall asking at the very start of all this was asking my entity, ‘why have you always been here with me and why me?’
That seemed to be all I needed to ask to be confined to my my bed for days at a time, to experience a total mental, physical and emotional roller coaster.
It really did confuse me, I wasn’t actually afraid, (I am a great fan of LSD, mushies, mda n other stuff, even though I am not young by any stretch of the imagination,) but … because at the time there was no chemical reason at all for these experiences, I did kinda wonder about my sanity at first. I didn’t quite know what to do, because at the time (as old as I was,) I only really had the most sketchiest idea of magik itself.
So, I did the only thing I could think of under these circumstances, I emailed three or so people that I found on the Internet, but one or two appeared somewhat aloof, and didn’t seem to have a clue what I was talking about, (Phil Hine was great, but although nothing followed at the time, his stuff has subsequently been the greatest of help to me.) then… as I had failed to find a place to ask questions and (I guess in retrospect,) be reassured that I wasn’t destined for the nearest ‘certain specialist establishment’. So…. as I was about to give up, I suddenly found KIA.
I emailed, I got a reply, (guess who!)

This time, I wasn’t treated as if I was a total idiot, or a mental case, I wasn’t passed off to someone else who wasn’t prepared to help and my er…..whinings were actually listened to, and even though the initial person from KIA I spoke to couldn’t really explain what was happening to me, they told me not to worry. and if I wanted to say anything, whether anyone understood it or not, KIA will listen.

However, I can’t say if  anyone would’ve been able to actively help in any case, I haven’t a clue, but simply to be treated as someone who wasn’t totally ‘loony’ was a great strength for me at the time.                        It still is.
And…… I am eternally grateful to know all you folks.
I have needed to write this for sooooo very long.
Thank you so very much to all my friends on KIA, you caught me about halfway down when I was about to fall. Perfect!! 😈

KIA Cyber doll

This is a KIA doll that has been with me for some considerable time now.

I believe that probably it’s about time for the KIA cyber-doll to be passed on from me now. I admit I have been very reticent, I’ve been very apathetic physically, mentally and magikally for quite a while now. But I guess I’ve just now realised that I may have been saving it up for something generally far more important than myself, my family or my spirit doll.
So… Even though she has pretty much soaked up all of my hopes and dreams for the majority of the cyber space that I will probably never get to understand anyway in the rest of my lifetime, I can only feel the hostility, cries for help, false personas, etc, so many strange, sad, wonderful, scary, peaceful, etc things, that it appears would never be said in the real world at all.
The Internet to me, seems to be a kinda ‘safe zone’ for a lot of folks… in a particular way at least…..to perhaps tell people things that nobody would dare to say to anyone’s face, to perhaps be what you really are, or maybe be what you really want to be, but can’t for some reason. There are always many stigmas, prejudges, implanted stuff an ting, from the way society has evolved/devolved, which would more than likely never be said or expressed any other way…..so, I suggest she is there for all the people that cannot express themselves face to face, for all the people that need to use the Internet to even keep going, and of course, for all of the folks in between.
What you you think @anton?
Anyways…. when/if you get the time, please could you post some info on for instance, perhaps… when you made her, what you made her for, what you would prefer to call her, what her function was meant to be and where you think she would need to be going next, (I seem to recall that you felt the USA was the next home…. and whatever other info you feel she will need. (and perhaps an early photo if you have one.)
I don’t really know, but considering how she feels to me, she’s done pretty well so far, but like with kaytee, I am only a catalyst, I can only send things, thoughts, ideas on their way, I don’t presume to have the will or intent to take these seeds any further. I feel that I don’t ever know enough, or have the inkling of the big picture to pass on something myself for someone else.
That always needs to be up to you/and/ or the rest of the agents.
I am totally up for re-homing of cyber doll, I really think her potential is rather wasted here with me.

Baphomet

there is/are something/things that are kinda bothering me about this cup.   I like it, but there is something/s that doesn’t  feel kwite rite.

I can’t manage to see it, its not quite doing it’s job.

wot you reckon?  I’m not sure if it’s just, or even the gold, or something else (that can’t even be changed.)

 

Hi people.

Now I have my own site, thank you @kiabot.

comments, additions, any feedback that you feel…. (including disagreements,) very welcome.

thank you in advance, a better intro, as well as some actual content should be forthcoming soon…. ish.