The Janglies.

I spoze I have been somewhat prone to these ….um janglies through most of my life. (All credit for the title of this post, together with the simple but spot-on description and rather brilliant expression, goes to @ophis7.)

I guess I wasn’t this way when I was younger, but now, I have somehow got to become one of those really totally annoying people who never really do anything much at all….and that is very bad….
Admittedly,  not only have I had a rather unstable childhood, and also a parent who (I have only more recently realised,) has apparently to me, managed to make me feel guilty for everything that I wanted to do for myself, and everything that it seems to me that they thought I should do for them, but …that could very easily be just an excuse on my part, and Morgan likely is as well!
Anywaze… I realised a few years ago that it was probably actually down to me in any case,  for being so trusting of my parent, and for too many years,  never questioning why I deep down, actually felt the way I did.

I seem to have, what has a few times been described as an extremely addictive personality.
I spoze …If I am totally honest, which I can’t really help being to myself, (and really…. not much different to non-judgmental people, such as yourselves,) I am pretty much an alcoholic, a nicotine addict… and for some very strange reason, aside from the nicotine, I always panic if I don’t have anything else that will make me feel different to normal. (the nicotine doesn’t really count, because it’s THAT addictive as of itself, it’s as if you have to have it to ‘feel’ ok.
(i.e. I don’t really feel any different whenever I have tried to give it up, apart from the damn strong and really bloody annoying craving.)
Well…..the addiction thang, It’s probably due to cowardice, and/or sheer laziness.
Perhaps I is too lazy (or afraid) to just get on with it.
Over the years, I have been prescribed lots of different “happy pills,”
which have mostly helped… and also ‘therapy’, which didn’t.
It has been repeatedly suggested to me that I need to go to therapy this episode too. Yeah…. ok……
It has seemed to me all the times before, that it was very like the totally blind attempting to lead the utterly dazed and confused….hmmmm.
Anywaze….. moving on…..
Perhaps I have come to trust ’Ron’ too much…. or maybe he is the only one that I really ’can’ trust with my apparently rather too fragile psyche. I have no clue, however… it appears to me that not knowing anything at all for sure is in fact, the correct way for me to be.

For many, many years now, I can’t watch tv at all, I don’t ever read newspapers, (all that media stuff makes me cringe!) and I also try really really hard to avoid being told all about the horrendous stuff that other people watch/read etc, because… they tell me they feel that everyone must take an interest in.  I get the strong impression that it’s only ”What the media want them to think” on what’s happening in the world, and what they appear to enjoy fretting over. What amazes me, is that they just about always feel the irresistible compulsion to tell every damn person they see, who is not wallowing in the same rather despairing, tut tutting, ineffectual (and totally contrived,) state of mind.
I am totally NOT  a conspiracy theorist…. don’t panic! We have already had a few probs with that on KIA.
All it is…. I don’t like the media, I don’t like politics, I don’t like the antiquated and totally outdated education system and I really don’t like the idea that that generally…. it appears to me, (Imho) that pretty subtly, just about with our own free will. (’most’ humans will behave exactly as predicted,) we are all being fucking ’herded’. (For the want of a better word.)
Guess it really gets to me.

The following, is this time, the phrase that has made me think (yet again,) beyond that damn ‘monkey mind.’
“I have given myself the janglies.” (Expression also credited to @ophis7.)

I guess it was always kinda obvious in the back of my mind, (the same ol’ story…. I kinda knew it, but didn’t wanna face knowing it.)

thankfully, on this occasion, it actually made me really think about the concept.
Let’s face it folks, its down to each one of us, how anything or anyone at all is gonna affect us.
Some will go through life (more or less) like a hot knife through butter. Others however, will find it very painful, guilt-ridden, so very difficult to decide what to do for the best… etc etc (ad bloody nauseam!)
What is the difference here? Heh! I suspect, so very much, it can’t be listed. After all, what makes us all individual? What actually makes each damn one of us different from everyone else?
Influence I could well suspect. All of our individual upbringings, peers, parents, schools, friends, jobs….. everything!
So…. why is it that so many of us will willingly, even happily follow how the rest do/think/behave n stuff?
It has been a theory …..that the reason “social misfits, aspies, eccentrics,” n anyone with any trait that stands out from the (so called) norm, show no apparent signs at all of being naturally genetically phased out, is simply because , if the balance were tipped the way that most people insist on thinking, evolution/progress/mental abilities, stuff like that…. would simply grind to a very boring halt.
Very interesting stuff to me,  do you think so?

what do you think?

Hi folks, all blessings and crap,  A small update, I am just now in the throes of my second attempt to get myself off the damn smokes and onto the vape again.  Yeah!  There is possibly a pattern emerging here, it was when I was in a bit of a bad way about a year ago that I tried it before.  I am wondering if it may be my rather futile way of trying to gain control of myself, as it were. It has been suggested on more than this occasion alone by @sinis, (I have known him since I was about…. what? seventeen/eighteen?) ….that I probably need to work on a shield, (or at least a filter,) to protect myself from er….. general flak I think….. if you are about @sinis, would you mind explaining it as you did to me please?   I totally picked up the importance you placed on me doing it,  but er……not necessarily anything else. :-b  I do find it really difficult to close people, energies, entities off from me, even if it is …..entirely for my own good.   I never have been able to do it,  it’s just like you folks trying to use your left hand for everything, (unless you happens to be left-handed like I am.)

so, I’ll finish with a very heart felt thank you to all of KIA for being my mental and magikal support for er….. exactly long enough, and as long as I need it.  Also,  the very same to @sinis for so naturally, wonderfully and masterfully introducing me to real magik, at a very impressionable age, without me even consciously noticing it at the time. ☺️

My most powerful items I ever owned, was a knife given to me, and more than anything else, a staff of whithy, cut by myself, all those years ago in Wiltshire by the light of a full moon.  The strange thing was, I never questioned why,  it just seemed right at the time.








Comments ( 8 )

  1. Freeman Presson

    There's one odd echo: I just listened to part of a speech by the late Colin Wilson, in which he explained that the main motif in The Outsider was to understand why so many creative people end up depressed. It's a great talk so far: "Colin Wilson Atlantis to the Sphinx".

  2. Tara* Berserkr

    Being different from the mainstream makes me feel proud of myself. What hurts me is being isolated among other weirdos. I used to believe we all belong together- freaks against the society so to speak. Unfortunately other freaks don't necessarily feel that way. Personal beliefs and systems of values get in the way. You claim you don't really do anything with your days. From a very deep zen point of view, so called creativity is an attempt to keep your mind occupied. It's a form of escapism no more, no less than drinking, working or anything else. At the end of it you'll be dead anyway. It doesn't matter what you do with your life. It doesn't even matter how you feel about it. When you're gone you're gone. Sometimes when I get overly miserable I like to think about it. Have you seen this article I posted in response to Dana's post about decadence? I strongly identify with Sesh

  3. Tara* Berserkr

  4. Tara* Berserkr

    the link doesn't work, but you can copy and paste it into a new tab

  5. trace

    Hi folks, just a quick acknowledgement, because I wanted to tell you that I am really sorry I have not replied to your responses for my own damn questions! I really hate the thought of that. Anywaze.... thank you so much for helping me. It is very valuable to me, so I have read and taken in everything you have said, but at the moment.... I am finding I am not able to do any more than that.

  6. Freeman Presson

    Awesome mantra! I have been consuming a lot of Jung lately, so it clicks right in.

  7. trace

    Hehe! That's rather interesting @ophis7, I honestly didn't even notice that. Not sure if it was because I simply read it as you meant it, or .....because I don't actually know the difference. I can feel at least one new post coming on, perhaps I will actually do it/them, who nose? ...... Who actually cares? I certainly doubt that it will be groundbreaking......(but it keeps me off the streets.)

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